I'm sick. Kelly's sick. The girls are sick. What a wonderful week.
However, that isn't the only thing that's made this past week hard. Some of you may already know, but I started taking anti depressants back at the beginning of December. I finally went to my OB and told him I need help. From two babies to a husband out of work, I need some help. And also, let's be honest. I'm depressed. I'll be the first to admit it.
So he started me on Celexa. He wasn't able to prescribe anything too strong since he is an OB and really doesn't specialize in that area. I started taking them right away and within weeks I could see a difference. Only, it was a negative difference. I was feeling worse. I know I know... I can't rely on medication to make me feel 100% happy. But contemplating suicide and having really low moments when I'm on happy pills, that's not right.
Don't worry, I'm alright. After talking to Kelly and some friends, I decided to see my Physician to discuss some options. I went in last week and she made me feel out a couple of sheets. I guess just to see how depressed, anxious I was and if I needed therapy. It was hard to be honest, because I hate admitting that I'm not doing well. I'm supposed to be strong, right? Well I suck at it! That's why I took Kelly. I wanted to make sure the Doctor knew the truth.
They immediately wanted me to stop Celexa and told me that in some cases, these pills can have the opposite effect on you. Which I guess I was one exception. They decided to start me on Wellbutrin which I've tried in the past, but wasn't faithful taking the pills. Luckily my husband and I know have a pill taking time both in the AM and PM because of his anti seizure medication. I swear I feel like we are 80 years old when we pull out all of our pills.
So I started taking them on Tuesday. Hence, the bad week. I'm going through a withdrawal from the Celexa and I won't start feeling the Wellbutrin for awhile. So I'm all sorts of emotions. Plus I've been sick and it hasn't been getting better. It's hard to get better when there are two little babies to take care of. You have to put yourself last. Luckily Kelly, who also feels sick but won't admit it, has been letting me rest. He let me sleep for a couple of hours yesterday and is letting me relax today. I have to get better. We can't afford me not working.
And then more depression comes in. I know most of you won't understand and think I'm just lazy, irresponsible, crazy or over dramatic. But it's hard. It's hard to just get out of bed in the morning, let alone go to work or take care of two babies. I should be strong, right? I need to be strong! Just get up, get to work, take care of my family! Seems simple enough. But it's really hard. I know some of you who read this won't understand and probably won't believe me when I say I'm trying. But I don't know what else to do. I'm trying to make myself happy right now and can't worry about what other people think. I need to focus on me. However selfish that may sound, but I need to get better. Not only for myself but for those adorable baby girls who are counting on me and for a husband out of work.
Worst Week Ever.
7 comments:
Can I just say Andee that I'm proud of you. You have become a wonderful mother and I think it says so much about you and your heart. It's a huge sacrifice and I know you wouldn't change it for any of the things you missed or are missing now. I'm so glad to see that you are getting help! I'm so glad that you are just going through the motions in some things because that's all you can do....but that is a lot! You do have a lot on your plate, no doubt. But you get up every morning and you love your girls and help your husband and you reach out for help until the motions have the right feelings. Hang in there! Love you! Sharon
Andee. I have been there... not having babies tho... But depression and anxiety is so scary and so life altering. It's hard to just function!
Please call me if you need to talk. I have quite the story, and I'd be happy to share. Just know its okay to ask for help! I'm here if you need me! X O!
Andee, sounds like you are taking the right steps to be where you want to be. Keep your eye on the end goal and take care of yourself. You're right, you need to be in a good place to take care of your family...and what a strong woman/wife/mother you are for it! Try not to think about what others are thinking...no one knows your situation...no one. And just do what you can understanding your own limitations. We love you! Wish we were closer to help during those rough days. But know we are thinking of you from afar!! XOXO
Oh sweetie. Depression can be debilitating. I am proud of you though for going to the doctor and doing what you can to take care of it. You do need to get better. Your girls come first and that also means taking care of yourself so you can take care of them. It'll get better! Hang in there!
Andee I am proud of you for accepting that you are depressed. That is the first step usually. Also remember that January is also the worse month for depression for there is no sun to help out. My father-in-law uses what is called a natural light light bulb for one of his lamps. He swears by it. Maybe not just the life events is bringing you down, maybe you need some sun to brighten your mood. It is hard but I know you will pull through. You are fantastic mother, wife, sister and friend. Hang in there! If you need anything at all. Please don't let it feel awkward to let me know to help. XO
You need to do whatever it is that takes care of you. Of course those girls are your priority, but without a happy and healthy mom, they cant grow to be happy and healthy themselves. So youre doing the right thing! And I think its awesome youre talking about it! Theres no need to be ashamed..let other people help you too! Love your face!
Hey Andee, I happened across your blog through Leighs (If you don't know who I am, I work w/ ya!). I just wanted to say I know what you are going through and maybe I can offer up some hope. PPD can be a bitch.
Mine started with insomnia when my daughter was 7 months old. After 6 weeks w/ no sleep and feeling completely helpless I went to the Dr. He prescribed Trazodone (an old anti depressant). That helped me get to sleep, but I still had bad nights. About 7 months later I started not sleeping again which spiraled into a depression where I didn't know who I even was anymore. My doc put me on Zoloft and upped my Trazodone a bit. I feel like a whole new person. I believe you just need to find the right happy pills! And I know what you mean by taking a medicine cabinet full of pills everynight! I was completely against taking meds, but sometimes you just need to give in.
I hope you are feeling better.
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