Back at the Starting Line!

I'm so done with being weak and depressed. I missed a pill this week and I swear I can feel it. Plus Kelly and the girls have been sick. I've got some symptoms, but not terrible. So... I should be working right now. I know it, you know it. But I'm not. I'm home. I'm home regretting not getting to work today! Yes, we did have a bad night last night. But should that really be an excuse? No, it shouldn't. I need to realize that this is life. I'm a mother, a wife and now the soul bread winner for our small family. Kelly is collecting disability but not much.

I'm tired of disappointing my family, Kelly and my girls. I guess I can be lucky enough that the girls aren't old enough to really understand. I'm tired of being over weight. All the weight that I had lost after having the girls is now back. I hate how one day I will be okay with my size, but then the next day I can't even look myself in the mirror.

You would think that a sane person would be like "Okay, these are the things I need to fix. What can I do to accomplish that." And then they do them. At least that is what Kelly thinks. Which he is right. I don't want this post to turn into a pity party, like a few of my lasts posts. I want to fix everything!!

That is why, I, Andee Hellstrom, am making a promise to myself to FIX MY PROBLEMS! I'm considering these last few days as my last vacation until Memorial Day. I tried to pick up a few hours of work tomorrow, but surprisingly no one would give it up. So I start Sunday. I'm promising to myself that I will work my ENTIRE week shifts for the rest of this month and all of March. I would say until Memorial Day, but I don't want to get crazy. Start out small right?

I'm also using this as a time to start managing or losing weight. I need to get back on a daily routine of breakfast, lunch and dinner. No more soda or sugar drinks, water only! No more sweets and less junk/fast food if any at all. Plus, no eating after 8 o'clock. This is a big one! I think eating late is where all this weight as come back. Working late and then coming home to put the girls down to bed at 8, Kelly and I sometimes have dinner within minutes of going to bed. Plus the late night bowl of cereal.

This post is for myself. It's for me to actually write down what I want to do. I need to change and I know I've said it before. I'm sure many of you are rolling your eyes when you read this. Especially my family who knows that I haven't worked a full work week since probably before my pregnancy. (That isn't all true. I've worked a couple)

But I'm ready for a change. And even if I'm not, I can't afford not to be. I don't know why getting to work is so tough. When I get there it's fine. I love seeing my work friends and having some what of a social life outside of babies. But getting out of bed and making it to work is the hard part. I know I may be talking crazy, but I'm even going to try and work on my off days. Nothing big, maybe just 6:30-9:30 or something. I know that's a big jump, so I'm not promising anything... But I figure I should have been doing this ever since Kelly stopped working. With him home and a constant babysitter, I should have been trying to make as much money as possible. If I could go back, I would!

So there you have it. I know my problems and I'm admitting to them! I know what I have to do to get back on track and I hope I have the strength! I have an interview for Back Up Trainer on Monday and I'm going to try my HARDEST to get it. I figure if I get a Back Up position, it may break up my work week and going to work may not be as hard.

Thanks to all that have been supporting me! Family, friends, even those I don't talk to much anymore. It does make me happy to know that there are some people out there that understand what I'm going through. The hardest thing right now for me is to have people judge me. I know I may not be doing the right thing, but I'm not hurting anyone. Bills are getting paid, my family is being fed... I just need to grow up so that my family will still be okay if anything else were to happen.

You are ALL my witnesses!! I've put it out there for all to see. I'm going to change my life! It may not be the easiest thing I have to do, but I HAVE TO DO IT!

Thanks for listening. Sorry if you're bored with my life problems. This post again was more for my benefit. Now I'm going to try and enjoy the next two days as much as possible!! I've got a few chores to do and some birthday presents to buy. But back to work on Sunday!

Sunday, I start my 2011 all over! I'm putting myself back at the starting line!

P.S. I may blog about my progress. Again more for my benefit. Read along if you want, but feel free to just zone me out!

Is it wrong to feel this way?

Is it wrong to feel so lucky to have these adorable little girls?
Lucky that they were born both healthy and strong?
I love them so very much it's ridiculous! I don't know what I would do without them!

This Video Has It All!

It was just another typical morning. Happy, happy babies and so talkative. So I decided to get the camera out and see what they would do. I originally wanted to tape them saying "Da Da," which they both do now. The video is of some length and I'm sorry.
But it's got everything!!! 


You've got naked chics, "Da Da," sister rivalry, dancing, smiles, and rolling! I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. You even get to hear my voice a lot, which isn't the best. Hopefully you'll be able to sit through the whole thing, because it's worth it!
At least I think so!

Mood Change

It's amazing at what getting out of the house can do. I do think that is part of my problem. I need to actually DO stuff, instead of just sit at home. I think I get too involved with the day to day schedule that it really starts to effect me.

But yesterday Kelly and I had had it. We needed to get out of the house! Luckily my Mom was available and ever so willing to watch the girls, so we planned a last minute Date Night!

We went down to the District to have some dinner and catch a movie. We were finally able to use some gift cards that we got, I don't know... Last Valentine's Day maybe. We ate at Olive Garden and it was probably the best service and food I've ever had there! Then it was off to the movies! Kelly has been dying to see TRON, he was a fan of the 1982 version. I was okay to see it, not jumping up and down. But let me tell you...

BEST MOVIE EVER! (okay, exaggeration... let's say the best I've seen this year!)

The visual/special effects were amazing, but I think I enjoyed the movie so much for it's music! Daft Punk did an amazing job!! The music just HIT you! I don't know what else to say about the movie, except that I loved it and can't wait to see it again!

It was a great night out and even though I missed the girls terribly, it was so nice to get out of the house and have some grown up time. It is really funny how I want/need time away from my girls, but as soon as I leave them, I miss them!!

I'm hoping to have a more positive week. We've got my Dad's Super Bowl Party on Sunday to look forward to and Valentine's Day is coming up! I don't know if Kelly and I will be able to afford Five Alls this year (Our Valentine's Day Tradition - Every Valentine's Day we've been together - 6 years!) Kelly is supposedly getting a Christmas bonus mailed to him since he hasn't been at work. But depending on how nice it is, we'll decide if we can make it out for the holiday! It's always nice to be reminded of the love we have for each other. Not all babies! Plus, Dad & Nancy owe us a babysit! :P

Thanks to all that showed support in my last post! I'm so lucky to have so many caring friends and family! Even if I don't see you every day or haven't talked to you in ages! It means a lot!! Thank you!

Here's to a better Andee!

Worst Week Ever

I'm sick. Kelly's sick. The girls are sick. What a wonderful week.


However, that isn't the only thing that's made this past week hard. Some of you may already know, but I started taking anti depressants back at the beginning of December. I finally went to my OB and told him I need help. From two babies to a husband out of work, I need some help. And also, let's be honest. I'm depressed. I'll be the first to admit it.


So he started me on Celexa. He wasn't able to prescribe anything too strong since he is an OB and really doesn't specialize in that area. I started taking them right away and within weeks I could see a difference. Only, it was a negative difference. I was feeling worse. I know I know... I can't rely on medication to make me feel 100% happy. But contemplating suicide and having really low moments when I'm on happy pills, that's not right. 


Don't worry, I'm alright. After talking to Kelly and some friends, I decided to see my Physician to discuss some options. I went in last week and she made me feel out a couple of sheets. I guess just to see how depressed, anxious I was and if I needed therapy. It was hard to be honest, because I hate admitting that I'm not doing well. I'm supposed to be strong, right? Well I suck at it! That's why I took Kelly. I wanted to make sure the Doctor knew the truth. 


They immediately wanted me to stop Celexa and told me that in some cases, these pills can have the opposite effect on you. Which I guess I was one exception. They decided to start me on Wellbutrin which I've tried in the past, but wasn't faithful taking the pills. Luckily my husband and I know have a pill taking time both in the AM and PM because of his anti seizure medication. I swear I feel like we are 80 years old when we pull out all of our pills.


So I started taking them on Tuesday. Hence, the bad week. I'm going through a withdrawal from the Celexa and I won't start feeling the Wellbutrin for awhile. So I'm all sorts of emotions. Plus I've been sick and it hasn't been getting better. It's hard to get better when there are two little babies to take care of. You have to put yourself last. Luckily Kelly, who also feels sick but won't admit it, has been letting me rest. He let me sleep for a couple of hours yesterday and is letting me relax today. I have to get better. We can't afford me not working. 


And then more depression comes in. I know most of you won't understand and think I'm just lazy, irresponsible, crazy or over dramatic. But it's hard. It's hard to just get out of bed in the morning, let alone go to work or take care of two babies. I should be strong, right? I need to be strong! Just get up, get to work, take care of my family! Seems simple enough. But it's really hard. I know some of you who read this won't understand and probably won't believe me when I say I'm trying. But I don't know what else to do. I'm trying to make myself happy right now and can't worry about what other people think. I need to focus on me. However selfish that may sound, but I need to get better. Not only for myself but for those adorable baby girls who are counting on me and for a husband out of work. 


Worst Week Ever. 

{ 8 Months }

My babies are 8 months old today! I can't believe how fast time flies. It really does once you have kids. They change so much month to month...





Ella Rae


Our content baby. I know I say that every time... but she really is. * However, once she gets mad... step back. * Our dancer. If you haven't seen the video, check two posts back. * Difficult sleeper. She always has been. It's only at night though. She is only one that will fall asleep in her crib at night time. * One of her cheeks is fatter than the other. * Difficult eater. Well, only when her Dad feeds her. She moves a lot so the food gets all over her face aka frustrating Daddy. * She can hold her bottle, but only when she wants to. 

Avie Joy


Our singer. She loves to scream, especially early in the morning. * The best sleeper... at night. Once she falls asleep, she stay asleep. However, nap time in the crib isn't her favorite. * Loves to kick. When she lays on her back, she brings her feet into her chest and throws her legs down. It's amazing how strong she is. * Will eat anything. She gets very upset if you don't feed her fast enough. * Biter. She's got two teeth and she knows how to use them. * The thief! Whatever Ella is playing with, even it it's the same thing she has, she will grab it from her sister!

They both:
Suck their thumbs at bedtime or nap time. * Have their bottom two teeth. * Rollers! You put these girls on the floor, you can NOT expect them to stay put for long. As soon as they fall over, they are rolling like crazy. * Animal lovers! They love Kittie, Rosie, Lucas and Simon. And of course, they love to stare at the fish. We've only had 1 bad experience and it was with Kalie's dog, Maggie. I think it's only because they don't know her or see her everyday. * Changing clothes or diapers has become the worst part of the day! They will not sit still and just try to roll over on. Which is really hard when changing diapers! I know it's only going to get worse! * Big Pear, Peas and Green Beans Lovers! * Both are starting to love to cuddle which makes me so happy! * Almost waving... it's coming along. * They both now reach out for you if you want to hold them. * Getting really good at balance. They love sitting on the floor.


The last month has been fun. This last week, not so much since they've been sick. It's hard to see them sick but I know there is more like this coming. I'm excited to see what this next month brings. Crawling maybe? Being able to lift themselves back up after falling? 
I don't know!


Best Friends!! Or are they?

Scared to Stop...

So, I'm thinking it's time to stop nursing. I don't do it often. I'm basically just nursing for their 8 AM feeding and the 8 PM feeding. It's been working well, until recently. 


I've been taking anti depressants, which the Doctor says won't harm the girls, I still feel uncomfortable about it. Besides that, my sweet little girls have decided that they like to bite me. Now I don't know if you have ever had that happen... I guess some girls are kinky. But with newborn teeth (kinda like a puppy) it hurts like HELL! I'll be honest. I've really only had a problem with Avie, but Ella is now starting to do it. 


I started a trick my friend Leigh told me, but it isn't really working. After they bite, I immediately take them off, sit them down and walk away. But all I get is a screaming baby who ends up doing it again. 


So why am I scared? After explaining the above, you would think I would be glad to stop. I guess I'm scared of the pain that comes with stopping. My boobs will get huge and I've heard it is PAINFUL! Plus, will I lose that special bond that I have with the girls? I mean, they probably don't feel it. But I'm wondering if I'll miss it. It's the only thing that I can do that Kelly can't. 


I don't know.

Too Early for Another Blog Challenge?

I'm considering another blog challenge...


My sisters friend Elizabeth, well I consider her my friend too, started a blog challenge not too long ago and it interests me. This blog challenge is a little more personal, really deep topics. So instead of picture after picture, I'd be writing.


I just know that I finished a blog challenge not too long ago and didn't know if people would think I'm going overboard. If anyone even reads my blog anymore...


Hmm. I guess it's something to think about.

Ella = Dancer!!

My little Ella Rae! We noticed some time ago, that she would dance or wiggle with a certain song on one of her toys. It's a wiggle song that is on their toy mirror thingy. We thought it was funny that she was dancing to that song because it specifically sings about wiggling. Each day, she gets more and more into it and better at it! She has even started doing it to any song or noise! I absolutely love watching it, simply because of her head movements! Her head is so heavy, she just looks so special!! I heart her!!

Big Blue Eyes!!

I love my big blue eyed baby girls!! My Avie and Ella! Plus those CHEEKS!